In an expected move, the International Criminal Court and the European Court of Human Rights both voted this week to declare use of urban scooters, like city pests Lime and Bird, to be crimes against humanity. “Electric scooters are not only responsible for the 3,000% increase in pedestrian accidents, they are, frankly, the spawn of the devil himself,” according to Jurgen Torfsdorfer, spokesperson for the court in the Hague.
Toby Sun, millennial CEO of scooter scourge Lime, responded, “This is completely unfair, I’m going to tell my parents, and you’re in big trouble buster!”
Bird scooter CEO, Travis VanderZanden, also commented stating, “What happened in the Hague today is reflective of a total disregard for our rights to clog up sidewalks, encourage reckless behavior by young wipper-snappers, and to let vandals blow off steam while trashing one of our products; this kind of government overreach will be fought.” GND notes that him comment was made while they put the cuffs on him and carted him off to the Hague.
When the decision was made, a global sigh of relief was heard, uttered by anyone, anywhere with a sense of human decency. Bob Turmach, spokesperson for Save Our Streets (SOS), who filed the original complaint in the Hague, said, “today is a victory for everyone who wants to walk down the sidewalk in peace, drive through an intersection without being terrorized, and anyone, anywhere who appreciates the value of simple human decency.”
The American Dental Association also produced a comment after the announcement stating, “The boon in business created by scooter mania largely served the incisor replacement/implant segment of our industry and as such, we applaud the Hague for taking concrete steps to save millennial teeth from their obnoxious owner’s orally foolish and socially irresponsible behavior.”