Keeping an important campaign promise, President Donald Trump announced today that he has instructed the US Department of Homeland Security to begin construction of a 572 mile border wall with Mexico, and will finance the wall by charging every household in New Mexico a special, one-time levy of $1,876. “I promised America a wall that was paid for by Mexico, and I keep my promises,” said a glowing Trump at the Rose Garden reception where the project was announced this afternoon.
When asked by reporters why New Mexico was paying for the wall, and not the United Mexican States (the official name of the US Southern neighbor), Trump responded, “You can check the record, I said Mexico would pay for the wall, I never said which Mexico. Fake news, move on.”
When reached by phone for a comment, Michelle Lujan Grisham, The Governor of New Mexico responded, “I’m utterly flabbergasted and seriously question the constitutionality of the new tax let alone the legal and humanitarian consequences of Trump’s wall.” The newly elected, first-term Governor added, “The real danger to our state isn’t from illegal immigration, human trafficking, and a flaming dumpster fire on our southern border, but from federal rollbacks of climate protections, waste prevention, and clean air rules that have made it imperative for New Mexico to act to protect our citizens and our economy from the immediate and widespread damages of climate change caused by global warming, duh!”
Mexican President Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador appeared relieved and pleased with the Oval Office announcement. In an official comment released by his office, Obrador stated, “America needs to build the wall because we’re tired of what a lousy neighbor you are, and we’d like to have a stable border too. In the brief history of our two countries, the US has seized vast swaths of our territory, Americans consume a massive amount of illegal drugs turning our country into an economically unavoidable drug-trafficking highway, and then, as if to just taunt us further, send millions of drunken college students to our border towns on spring break to terrorize hard-working Mexican families with your hedonistic parties and drunken antics. Hopefully, this wall will be a sign for Americans to stay out of Mexico. God bless and God speed!”
No timeline was proposed by President Trump for start or completion of the wall.