After the unexpected drinking straw bans put in place by a growing number of US cities, officials in the People’s Republic of China have come up with a quick solution to dispose of the now unwanted, 3 trillion straws sitting in warehouses across the country: they will dump them into the ocean.
According to Minister Xin PungYou, deputy head of the State Department of Beverage Accouterments, “the devastating effects these straws would have sitting in our landfills would be an unacceptable cost to the motherland.” As such, the department has determined that the best method to dispose of them is to take them 500 miles out to sea, wait for a strong westerly wind and current, and then release them into the deep. “It will no longer pose a danger to our fragile environment,” Xin added.
In response, the San Francisco City Council made a public statement, “we would like to work with the government of China to help resolve this problem by facilitating a needle exchange for heroin addicts and working with Chinese authorities to put in place a guaranteed minimum income for all persons of Chinese ethnicity.” It is unclear if the San Francisco city officials were completely lit when making their response.
The White House also responded quickly, with President Trump tweeting, “HUUUGGGE news from our friends in China. Philanthropic donation of straws to ocean will create massive plankton shelters, ensuring future generations have oceans brimming with LIFE!” The EPA had no comment at the time of publication.