EPA Director Scott Pruitt announced today that, under the direction of “Dearest Leader” Donald Trump, Charizard is now added to the Endangered Species List. “This creature, which is almost never seen in the wild, and is so hard for kids to catch, deserves all the protection afforded by the United States government,” said Pruitt at a White House Rose Garden press conference where the announcement was made.
The Pokemon Company, apparently caught unaware of this development and had no comment at this time, was served with notice from the US Department of Justice that it was to immediately stop the now “illegal, and unauthorized trade in all charizards, charmeleons, and charmanders,” according to a public memo released from the office of Attorney General Jeff Sessions.
Joining Pruitt at the podium was President Trump. Trump opened up the press conference stating that experts hired by the EPA informed him of the rampant capture of Charizards and forced fighting rings that often leave them depleted, and requiring special potions to revive the often abused animals. “It’s time we leave these precious creatures alone,” added Trump.
The President was accompanied by a government-formed panel of experts regarding Charizard behavior. In a strange twist, none of the experts were over the age of 14, but appeared to have an incredible mastery of Charizard behavior. “Firespin and Blastburn are the best movesets if you’re using Charizard in a gym, but you need a lot of dust if you want to increase the CP enough to use them,” said Henry Playsalot, one of the leading experts on the panel.
President Trump’s son, Barron, also attended the press conference. He was seen joking and “hanging out” with several of the Charizard experts that attend his private school and appear to have an academic relationship with Barron. Trump’s youngest son was recently seen with the expert panel at a local Five Guys hamburger restaurant.
In unrelated news, the Office of the First Lady announced today, shortly after the press conference, that Barron Trump was grounded for two weeks, and was no longer permitted to enter the Oval Office if his father was not at his desk, nor to play with his desk papers at any time. The Secret Service had no comment on this latter development.