The infamous Alphas drug cartel announced today that they were introducing a new, health-conscious drug, heroin lite, that is expected to hit the market in time for Christmas this year. “We have noticed a disturbing trend among our customers: death,” said Alphas spokesman, Freidrich Slimmermacher, in New York during his Sunday press conference at the upper west side corner where his “boyz” ply their trade.
According to information provided by Pedro Green, syndicate chemist-in-chief, heroin lite will be only ten percent heroin, and ninety percent methadone, by active ingredients. “Best of all, it will contain no fentanyl whatsoever.”
Fentanyl, often found as a cheap, potent and lethal additive to heroin in recent years, has recently lost some favor by drug cartels after the compound was stung by unexpected tariff increases slapped on the substance by the Trump administration. Chinese Fentanyl produces have vowed to retaliate. “We will not take this easily, and plan to put countervailing tariffs on skunk weed from the US pacific northwest, as well as meth produced in the American heartland,” says Xin DoRing, Adjutant Advisor to the Chinese Ministry of Drug Exporting Agencies.
It was noted by several US economists that the most of the countervailing duties are designed to impact rural areas known for strong support of Trump policies, with the exception of the skunk weed producers. In response to that, Twig Earthbaby, an Oregon grower told GNS, “Jeez man, we’re socialists ourselves and grow most of this on Maoist communes in the southern half of the Willamette Valley dude!” He continued, “anyone got some Cheetos? I’m starving.”
Mr. Valdez does not worry about American communes, “we’re more concerned in keeping our customer base alive enough to buy our junk for what, we hope, becomes an intergenerational tradition of dependency.” He added, “no one has to worry about Uncle Eddy overdosing in the bathroom at Christmas this year.”
Health Conscious Drug Cartel Launches Heroin Light
