The US Democratic Socialist Party announced a break through today that would enable them to promise Medicaid for All and pay for it without raising taxes. Their solution: a gluten-free, vegan, non-GMO bake sale.
According to party wunderkind, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, “we’ve finally found a way to do it! With all the demand for gluten-free, vegan, non-GMO products, we’ll corner the market with a government sanctioned monopoly for baked goods, then fill tax coffers with healthy alternatives to the capitalist pigs at Wonder Bread and all their ilk.”
Policy guidance from an aide to party leader Bernie Sanders states, “we’ll implement this amazing plan after we’ve taken control of congress and the US presidency in the next election cycle, all with the help of our Russian comrades. We’ll put an end to the capitalist cancer created by Wonder Bread and those who ply their trade by profiteering gluten, seize their filthy lucre, and march forward with our human-dignity proletariat revolution, yanking America out of its sad state with our progressive iron chains.”
Wonder Bread, owned by Hostess, responded to this guidance by providing the following statement:
“We at Hostess strive to produce non-baked foods that can be frozen and shipped to consumers for maximum diabetic impact and deliver the highest sugar/fat ratio in all of the consumer-packaged foodstuff industry. We’re proud of the progress we’ve delivered, and the contributions we’ve made to producing cheap calories that delight our ever-growing consumers. We hope that our friends in the coming Democratic-Socialist regime recognize that we are, truly, the new opiate for the masses, and hope that they will recognize our value: to create masses of docile people, ready to lazily accept the dictatorial decisions that must be made in socialist systems. We hope that they will reach out to us, so we can begin a constructive dialogue, and explore ways that our two systems can work together to frustrate the common good.”
At the time of printing, there was no formal response from the Democratic-Socialist camp, although the public Amazon.com profile of the Party showed that Twinkies and Ho-Hos were now added to their office Wish List.