In what was billed as the match of the century, North Korean Dearest Leader, Kim JongUn, came out of his self-imposed, athletic exile today to quickly demolish NBA superstar Lebron James, in their highly anticipated street ball match-up held at “the rock”, a famous street court in New York City.
Taking advantage of his visit to the UN General Assembly, “President Kim roasted the four-time NBA champion with crossover moves that burned like the fire of 10,000 patriot hearts beating”, said North Korean Ambassador to the United Nations, Du YuSuk.
Particularly incredible was the fact that the North Korean phenom never missed a single shot, including the deep three he drilled from half-court while taking a hard foul from the clearly frustrated James. “As soon as I released it, I knew it was nothing but net,” remarked the usually bellicose champion Kim.
As time expired and the raucous crowd lifted Kim slowly to their shoulders, James was left to himself midcourt where the usually swaggering superstar was heard muttering, “going to my happy place, happy place, happy place”, and then curled up in the fetal position until former teammate and fellow super-star Dwayne Wade helped him off the court.
Highlights from the game included Kim’s tomahawk slam over James, jumping from a full foot behind the free throw line; as well as an eye-popping ten blocked shots and seven steals from the dictator. In a show of sportsmanship, the North Korean sharpshooter did not contest James’ final shot of the game, allowing him to score one basket in the 50-2 rout.
After the game, Kim announced that he was signing a 5 year shoe deal with athletic gear super-power Nike and donating all the proceeds of his contract to charities managed by his good friend, Dennis Rodman. “Everyone thinks they know this man’s heart and says such bad things about him, but today, today he showed the world who he really is, a champion” crowed Rodman after the rout.
Sources close to the Dearest Leader tell GND that the reclusive hoops-master is in secret talks with the NBA to form the leagues very first one-man squad, the PyeongYang Red Stars. If approved by the league, it is likely to prove controversial according to NBA hall of famer, Danny Ainge, “because Kim’s mad skills and speed would be absolutely no match for all the NBA all-stars, let alone any one regular team.”
In related news, several US and UK sports betting firms announced they are declaring bankruptcy after suffering heavy losses from the game’s shocking outcome. According to Paddy Johnson, spokesperson for the UK Betters Bureau, “we had a few unusually large bets placed on the dictator that quite frankly, we just didn’t imagine would pay off.” UK intelligence sources claim that the bets, originating from accounts held in North Korean banks, amounted to eighty percent of the hard currency reserves of the reclusive country.
North Korea’s Ministry of Foreign Affairs didn’t comment on any reports of gambling, leaving only a message on their phone answering machine stating that they would return all calls after their first-ever retreat to Las Vegas was complete.