In a shocking move, Universal Studios announced today that mega-star Chris Pratt has agreed to act in a two season Jurassic Park series to premiere on Netflix beginning in the summer of 2019. Catering to the demands of super-fans of the long-running series, the series will include storylines and scenes that appear to have no normal limits to the human capacity to view fighting dinosaurs.
The scripts are rumored to include scenes where Pratt’s character is about to be eaten by any number of large reptiles, and then rescued at the last minute when an even larger reptile comes into frame unexpectedly and eats the first would-be predator. These scenes will be looped with other footage showing long, CGI shots of large dinosaurs walking slowly around human-inhabited vehicles while the occupants sit with their mouths agape, in total wonder of the massive beasts they apparently never imagined before. Each episode will also conclude with a scene where children and women will get into protective rolling, plexiglass spheres, with hilarious dino-hijinks to ensue.
The studio claims to be using an innovative, cost saving shooting technique for the series where footage can be dubbed over with new dialog for each episode, and just reorder the scene footage.
“I’m really excited about this lucrative opportunity to revisit the character, especially since I’ll only have to shoot about one day of film and then they can just keep mixing up and reusing that footage over and over in each episode, but I get paid for all of them,” says Pratt with a giggle. He is expected to earn enough money to build his own Jurassic Park from the 44 episode deal.
Not everyone is happy about the upcoming series. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) released their own statement after Universal made its announcement:
“We at PETA oppose all forms of glorified violence against reptiles of any kind, even if extinct. If our society permits children to grow up numb to the suffering of ancient species, there is no limit on the suffering they will impose upon living animals. Society must not compartmentalize and condone any form of animal abuse, even to dinosaurs.”
Standing in line at the Universal Studios Jurassic Park ride, one superfan, Dwight Tonkenfuss, was unfazed. “Who do these PETA people think they are? If a raptor showed up at their office, they’d be begging for Chris Pratt to show up and corral the animal with his clickers and awesome dino-whispering. How many dogs and cats must be eaten by mega-reptiles before they realize they’re wrong? Good thing we don’t have any Komodo Dragons around here. But if we did, you can bet that Chris Pratt would help them, even though they bad mouthed him.”
It is expected that the series will be filmed in Costa Rica where dumbfounded authorities reportedly call the film series, “the loco gringo gift that keeps on giving.”