The United Vegans of America (UVA) announced this week that they are now demanding that all vegans stop eating fruit because of the discovery that all fruit is pollenated by bees, against their will by the “industrial beekeeper complex”.
UVA spokesperson Moonbeam Applesauce told GND, “When we discovered that the world produces fruit under the forced labor of bees, most of whom are killed and discarded at the end of each season, we realized that we could no longer enjoy any fruit, drenched in blood and sweat of our apiary friends.” Moonbeam’s reference to the common commercial beekeeping practice of wintering bees in orchards has been confirmed by GND.
The initial response on the streets of Austin, TX today was mixed.
At a street cafe near campus, Stardust McVeigh, a freshman at the University of Texas, said “I’m sorry, did you say that fruit is no longer vegan?” She was initially incredulus to the reports, but when hearing of the plight of millions of bees enslaved to produce fruit, she broke into a weeping depression and ended the interview with no further comment, only asking for some alone time as she stepped away from her apple and pear balsamic salad, taking only carrot sticks with her.
Other members of her group of friends were less impacted.
Joni Fredericks, also at the table, immediately began to argue. “You are lying. This is clearly an attempt to take joy from vegan living by the fake news media President Trump warned us about. Are those bees also voting for Joe Biden? I wouldn’t bee suprised (with emphasis on the bad pun).
While our reporter may have been more shocked at finding a vegan Trump supporter (keeping Austin weird), we’ll continue to report on this story as it unfolds.