In yet another blockbuster GND survey, it was discovered that 95% of vaccinated Americans self-reported that they are either stupid or selfish. In a survey of almost 35 million unvaccinated adults, the largest of its kind, survey respondents were asked to provide a reason why they were not vaccinated. The survey provided three options: stupid, selfish, or immuno-compromised health reason. Not-so-shockingly, 95% selected the first two options.
According to Dr. Edward Jenner, who led the research, “we discovered that the divide between stupid and selfish was pretty even, with respondents discussing how they either thought the vaccine had microchips in them (despite not a single respondent having any knowledge of vaccines or microchip technology), or they simply didn’t care if the world burned because they thought it probably wouldn’t affect them.”
When asked for a comment about the survey results, White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki paused with reporters, and simply walked off the dais, muttering to herself, “you can’t make this stuff up,” repeatedly, as caught by a hot microphone she was wearing.
Former President Donald Trump, when asked to comment on behalf of the opposition Republican Party, responded enthusiastically, “look, 95% of these respondents were clearly being misled, it takes a very stable genius like myself to be in the other 7% of this survey.” He then cried, “fake news,” as he kicked dirt in the eyes of some immigrant children working at his country club and stormed away.
President Joe Biden, apparently unaware of the survey results entirely, just stared at our reporter for approximately ten minutes in what could only be charitably described as a senior moment.
This blockbuster poll was conducted by the US Center for Telekinetic and Psychic Surveys on July 4, 2021.