In response to the choking epidemic that recently struck London, Sadiq Khan announced a new policy today that is virtually guaranteed to stop these senseless acts of brutality, dead in their tracks: Effective September 1, 2018, the City of London will ban all hands.
Don’t make me go full Taliban on you! — Hickory Jones, Mayoral Advisor
According to the National Statistics Office, Department of Unnatural Deaths, choking is the fourth largest cause of death in England and Wales. “When this fact splashed across headlines, the Mayor had no choice but to act”, according to Mayoral Advisor, Hickory Jones who added, “Don’t make me go full Taliban on you!”
In lieu of hands, the city will be replacing limbs with eco-friendly and fully recyclable bamboo hooks. The ends of the hooks will be dulled to avoid accidental impaling. Furthermore, the city will sponsor a group of free classes to teach chopstick eating at locations across the city.
At Canary Wharf, local Londoners were asked about how this policy would affect their lives. Split by party lines, Labour supporters were enthusiastic about the change noting that such a policy would increase their current PIP and DLA payments, making it possible to avoid work entirely. “It’s about time,” said Thomas White, a local Labour organizer.
Conservative voters were less sanguine about the new law. The local Conservative office gave its official response today in one word: “barmy!”